


The Inbetween

by lar_laughs



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-12
Updated: 2010-08-12
Packaged: 2017-10-11 01:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/106992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lar_laughs/pseuds/lar_laughs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Lily got from one relationship to another without losing too much of her heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Inbetween

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of these characters. I only play in the sandbox that JKR invented.

She would only let herself cry this once and it would be over and done with. Even though she felt close to tears all the time, she only let them fall down her cheeks once and that was it. Lily wouldn't allow herself to break down over Severus and his apparent lack of respect for her. She'd thought it was more than friendship; had counted on the certain knowledge that he felt it even if he didn't say it.

"So I've lied to myself all these years," she muttered to her mirror image, slashing a hairbrush through her dull hair. Everything was unattractive about her right now, a symptom of the emptiness she felt inside. The only proof of her agitated state "I assumed things I shouldn't have. Petunia was right. She'll think that's rich, I'm sure. Gloat about it for a bit."

And that hurt more than anything else. She'd turned her back on her family, choosing him at every turn. Petunia had taken it badly but how could she ever explain it well to her beloved sister that this was her future. He had been her future.

Digging her fingers into tired eyes, she tried to block the look of pain that had been on Petunia's face the last time she'd seen her. Always before she'd fought these remembrances with hard work, losing her self in the words of spells or the ingredients of potions. Now it seemed useless. She was just a Mudblood, after all. Surely she didn't matter.

"I chose you," she screeched into the stillness that surrounded her. Her eyes begged to be allowed to leak out some more of the tears but still she clung to them. If they didn't fall, she might be able to forget that they existed. That there was ever a need for them. "Why could you never choose me? Why wasn't I good enough for you?"

Lily grabbed up her jacket, forgoing the robes that would only remind her of this crazy situation. It was cool in the evenings and she didn't plan on coming back to the castle for a very long time. What she needed right now was some distance from the situation. While she didn't particularly want to go for a walk in the dark, it would be worth it just if it bought her some time to be able to put a scab over the fissure through her heart.

With a thankful sigh, she passed through the Common Room without comment. The few people around were studying with great intensity and none of them looked up or acknowledged her presence. While there was a part of her that wanted to jump up on one of the tables and demand that they notice her, she was thankful for the first time to be ignored.

It wasn't until she was outside that she heard someone calling her name. The word floated on the breeze that had picked up since she'd been outside last. Already she was shivering, her thin coat no match for the skittish Highlands weather. "Go away," she hollered back over her shoulder. "Leave me alone."

She heard the pounding footsteps but didn't slow down or pause when she felt the hand on her arm. Let him work at his apologies... but that wasn't Severus' hand. Instead she looked up into hazel eyes that were no longer dancing with mischief. "I wanted to make amends."

"For what? For being your normal self? For thinking that everything is a joke? For putting others down to make yourself seem bigger? Think that apologising to me will make a man of you, James? You're obviously hoping for a miracle."

It was easy to see that her words found their mark but still he held her gaze, as if he felt that he was in the right for holding her when all she wanted to do was run away. For a moment they stood still in the coming storm, neither of them aware that the clouds had massed and were going to spill rain on them within minutes. A shiver of lightening shimmered over the lake but neither of them noticed.

"I'm sorry. If we hadn't been tormenting Sniv-"

"Say his name!" she screamed, upset all over again that this git had even come up with the nickname in the first place. "If you've learned nothing today, at least let it be that people matter. Severus matters. I... I matter. Severus and I both have names. Use them."

"Lily," he started again, shame reddening his cheeks, "I'm sorry for all of this. If we had left Severus," he paused to make sure she acknowledge his use of the name, "alone than he would never have said those things to you."

She wondered what he had actually heard and understood. It wasn't uncommon for people to use the term 'mudblood' in both anger and amusement so she had no idea what other people had thought that Severus was saying to her. Did they see the blow he had dealt her? Did this boy actually understand how her world had crumbled today?

"James, come to dinner."

The strident demand drifted over the increased wind and Lily felt her hope shrivel. "Go," she demanded, pointing toward the three boys grouped on the steps of the castle, protected from the worst of the storm. "Your friends are calling you. Shouldn't disappoint them."

He didn't even glance back, instead tightening his grip on her arm. "I want to make sure you're going to be alright."

Her laugh was bitter as she threw back her head and let the rain take the place of the tears that wanted to fall even more now. He was choosing her but he was the wrong one. This wasn't the boy she wanted. "I don't know what I am, right now. Just go. They'll get worried and I don't think I can handle all four of you on top of everything else I've had to deal with today."

"They'll stay away. Just let me-"

But she stopped him once again, this time ripping out of his grip. "No, James. No. Go away and leave me alone. This is something I have to deal with on my own."

Lily began to run now, caring little if she ran on the well-worn paths or the untamed ground. For a moment it felt as if he might be following her but she was alone when she stopped, gasping for breath beside a tree in a part of the forest she'd never encountered before. For a minute... an hour... a lifetime she leaned against the tree and tried not to think. Full dark fell and still the storm ravaged on around her. With a sigh, she pushed herself back to her feet once again and made her way back to the castle.

There was a bag at the foot of her bed, the smell of warm dough still lingering as Lily got close enough to notice it. "Thank you, Mary," she said gently, wiping the water from her forehead even though it did little good.

The girl shook her head, her wide, fearful eyes lightened just a bit. "It wasn't me," she whispered, crossing her arms in front of her chest as if they were protection enough. "It was that boy."

"Severus?" Lily asked, a shard of hope piercing the newly-formed scab.

"No. The other one. James."

The bed just happened to break her fall as her legs gave out. Disappointment ripped at her heart and there was no hope of this scab taking hold to heal her wounds. That was not the name she wanted to hear.

"I'm not hungry," she muttered, tearing off her wet clothes and crawling into her bed. "Take it if you want it."

"You need it, though. You missed dinner." Mary sat down beside her on the bed and began fanning out the girl's wet hair onto the pillow. "He wasn't there, you know."

"Well, bully for him." Still she didn't cry but it did make her feel better to know that maybe he was dealing with some sort of remorse over what he'd said. For the first time since she'd stared at him with hurt blanketing her soul, she hoped he hurt as much as she did. She wanted him to hurt. Needed him to hurt. With a choked sob that was quickly stifled before it opened the floodgate of tears, Lily allowed herself to sink into the oblivion of forgetfulness that sleep provided while Mary kept watch like an avenging angel to make sure that none of her nightmares got the better of her.

The next morning offered nothing but the same dull ache, as did the one after it. Lily got up each morning, dressed as carefully as she could through eyes that were not really seeing what was in front of her, and went about her day with a veneer of aloof calm and disdainful pride. Not once did she see Severus, but James dogged her steps. At lunch he would appear to sit beside her and cajole a laugh or two out with a funny story about the other students. She tried not to react but it was impossible. There was something about James Potter that made everyone do what he wanted them to do without a single question and she was no different. When he wanted her to smile, she smiled even as she wondered why. If he wanted her to laugh, she did so with abandon and delight.

When the day dawned when she actually saw Severus, the pain didn't double her over as she thought it might. Instead she was able to nod her head in greeting and sweep on by. The ache made itself known below her breastbone but James came up beside her with a silly limerick and a pretty wildflower he'd found that morning.

"Why do you even bother with me?" she asked him, twirling the flower between her fingers. "I still don't like you much."

"You're a challenge, Lily Evans. A puzzle. As soon as I discover one piece about you, there's another one yet to figure out." His cheeks burned as if he was embarrassed but Lily had never once seen James anything but cocky and assured. This was a new side to him that she wasn't sure she wanted to know about. "I like you even if you don't like me."

"You're a bully and you have the most atrocious spelling that I've ever seen."

He chuckled, letting the laughter roll out in waves that increased in frequency. "If that's the only reason you still have to hate me, I'm on the right track."

"First I'm a puzzle and now I'm a wild animal you're stalking? Truly, James, you do know how to talk to a girl so she gets all squishy inside, don't you?" She rolled her eyes and adjusted the straps of her book bag as if they weren't laying perfectly still and straight already. Something about this bloke was making her uncomfortable these days. Always before they would have traded quips and gone on their separate ways but he wouldn't leave her side. She'd noticed the dark looks that Sirius kept throwing her, as if she was the one keeping him away from his friends. Instead they trailed along after the two of them, unable to walk the halls alone. James watched her, Sirius watched James, Remus watched Sirius, Peter watched for anything that might be edible. They were a motley foursome and she was unsure how much she appreciated suddenly becoming their fifth.

"Do I make you squishy inside?" he asked, his eyes still sparkling with laughter even as a strange longing began to fill them. "Am I finally getting it right?"

There was a retort on her lips but something strange was happening. Her heart, long dormant and bruised, had began to leap about in her chest. She was a bit short of breath and her lips would do nothing but curve into a smile. Could it be that her heart wouldn't stay dead forever? She'd always assumed it would. Severus had hurt her so completely. Surely she would never recover... but she was beginning to feel. No, she'd been feeling for some time but had been denying it. Not this boy. This wasn't the right one.

But maybe he was. "I think so," she whispered, ducking her head so he wouldn't see her own blush. "I think you might be."


End file.
